my family... God's greatest gift for me

Ahhh.. you can only guess how sad I am today. It maybe again because of the feeling of loneliness. I miss my family. I want to see them and be with them again. I hope things could go back to what it was before. The four of us, though countinously loving and depending with one another, are now living our own lives. I knew this would come but I never anticipated the pain its gonna bring to us all. I know they think of me in the same way that I think of them. I know they worry about my health, my being, my safety... I know they are asking God always to watch over me and keep me out from harm's way. I know it because those exactly are what I think and feel and pray and worry about every given second of my life. You see, I got no treasure really. What do I own? I little savings? few clothes? maybe. I am thankful for those. But those arent my treasures. Sure you have read something of this kind but my treasures are my relationship with Jesus and Mary, my family, our health, life and security and nothing more. I am not complaining, not at all. I count this as my treasures and they're worth more than the most expensive valuable on earth and certainly worth more than any citizenship.

nadadalas na pagmumuni=)

Yesterday, I was in San Francisco again with kuya GP, his brother and his friend alex. I seized the opprotunity to finally see a friend wo is very dear to me: Gracy. We just ate dinner there and then went home. I was sobber the entire night although I was able to drink just 2 bottles of bud lights at gracy's place. Tonight, I'll be going again to my work. As always, my body is still convincing me to finally give up the job but I just dont want to yet. Aside from the fact that I need money, I also consider wayne's condition. I dont want to be unfair to the person. I'll let him know that I'll leave him maybe weeks before I actually do so in that case, He'll be able to find a good replacement. This week, I finally was able to send my papers to the government. Now, it is just all up to God to decide for my fate. Of course, I am hoping for a favorable outcome but however it goes, Im sure God has great plans for me. My stay here has been teaching me a lot on how to properly live my life. Primarily, it taught me how to depend more in God and pin all hopes in Him. Then, I have learned to trust myself. I may still be needing help from my family but the decision now really lies in me. I remember what papa once told me that I will always be the master of my destiny. I can only agree. Also, I have learned to value every moment spent with my friends back home. Some may dismiss those moments as just worthless drinking sessions but heck! They were not there and I was so I must know better. Some friends whom I have known since who knows when nd some whom I have just met a little years ago are all equally valued and loved. They surely filled my past with wonderful memories. I know I'll see thm again in time. I wish them all well and I know they pray the same thing for me.

I'll be in airport again tonight. Kuya Gary will be flying back to Manila at 10pm. I envy him at this moment. I wish I could go home too. But as I said before, this is my choice and I should stick with it. There are stages in life where you feel depressed and there are also stages where you are so happy. Its like a roller coaster ride. Its not a perfect world as they say. But every hardship that comes your way just makes you stronger and gives as if an immunity to you so that the next bumbs along the road will less likely give you troubles.

The other good trait that I am currently learning here is the ability to make myself happy. The world has got a lot of problem already and if I dont change my approach towards life, I'd drown in the river of pessimism and self pitty and I'd just die as a looser. So the only remedy here is to limit myself from wasting my precious time worrying for my future. That will come no matter what I do so I should do everything and convince myself to be happy everyday of my life. I am still not good at it but I am trying hard to learn this art.

I'll download some more songs.

pamumuni muni

Life is so unpredicatble. At one point you're happy and seconds after, you're down and sad. They say it really is up to you and that it depends with how you look at the situation where you currently are into. Maybe that's true but how can you really deal with it? I mean, yeah you can smile amidst moments of unrest and lonliness but that's just it. You smile on the outside while you silently weep in the inside. Last night was a huge beer night. GP and I each had 6 miller lights. Our midnight session lasted for maybe more than 2 hours. Nina, Paolo Santos, MYMP and AEGIS kept the session flowing smoothly! It reminded me much of home (when i say home, Im reffering to the Philippines) We talked about his future and my future; about the decisions we made and about to make and the unknown world that is waiting for us. Then just this morning, his cousin came by with her daughter and we all went to Vallejo and had lunch with GP's family. It was a sunny day and the people warmly welcomed us. It was a nice respite.

In a few days, I will again be on my own. When GP goes back to the philippines, I'll have to be contented with listening to my good cds by myself and drinking beers with nobody else. Im happy that I am with my family and I am closer now to where my mama is although we're still miles away. They are after all the people I'll always choose to be with. I miss papa, ateng and mama terribly. But also, everyone needs a friend where you can share not just a bottle but a story of what you're going through at the moment. Thats what I miss right now. Thats one of the reasons why I am sad.

Life is tough but I am aware of God's blessings. I am not complaining, just mearly speaking from my heart. Unaware as I may be of the future, nonetheless, I know this is the best option.

Awww... Its saturday again:( before, I used to like friday nights en weekends. That's until I got my weekend job. I dont wanna talk about much about what I do with my job not because I am ashamed of it but because I just do not like to talk about things that I do not enjoy doing. The truth is, I am not even sure what will make me happy. I had a good life back home but I chose to leave because I want to learn to stand on my own. Now that I got what I was looking for, I feel lonely... very lonely. I may be confused but I am clear on one thing: that whatever I am going through right now will surely make me a better man. True, the sadness I feel sometimes is too strong, that it sometimes make me think of giving up. Maybe I was too much protected by my family when I was growing up thats why I easily get hurt or I easily give up. But now, tired as I may be, I am convincing myself to continue what I have started. There were incidents in the past where I could have succeeded had I only been brave enough to face the music and never back down. Marcos once said that "life is like a diamond; the more you chop it, the more brilliant it becomes."

When will this chapter of my life end? I dont know. But i am certain that when this chapter of my life concludes, I'll come out far better than I was before and what I am right now. It will surely have its end but that is beyond my control. God is with me and He outs me to this kind of situation to learn to be humble and to value the treasures He gives to us.

thinking with th help of my fingertips

eversince i arrived here in the US, i have always been confused. I do not really know what to do with my life. There are times when I want to go back home and study there and there are also times when, although I feel realy down and sad, I know I have to stay here and be patient. I miss everything about the philippines. True, it is in a sad state as it has always been but this much I can tell: philippines will always be my home. one time when i was walking in the park, i realized that most of the time, the things you should do are the things you have to do, not the things you want to do. sacrifice is part of living. My parents always tell me that people who do not know how to be patient will never be successful. I belive that. That's why I am doing the things I never thought I would ever do. Philippines is such a nice place to live in... that is when you have money! and to have that, you either have to be a trust fund baby or a big businessman yourself. Otherwise, you'll be living beyond your means... you'll be living in fantasy... And before you know it, you're already living in a world full of lies and even you can no longer tell who you really are.

Everytime I am alone with myself, and everytime darkness sets in, my mind starts to wander again. It thinks of what my future will be and reminisces the days of when I felt I had everything I wanted and got everything I desired. Damn, I had a lot of fun in th past! I know this phase of my life is a difficult for me and the uncertainty that looms over me is really a source of much worry but I am optimistic that things will soon be alright. God has always been good to me and my family. SOme things that keep me sane are my family, my hope for a better life and a strong faith in the Almighty. I know He has plans for me and He will make a worhy person out of me. The things that I am going through right now, no matter how hard it may seem will surely make a better person out of me.